Three’s Company

“She is clothed with strength and dignity,
    and she laughs without fear of the future.”

Proverbs 31:24

She is a woman of Faith, a protector, fiercely loyal, loves deeply, and is strong for others when they can’t be. This is my sister Leah Marie, and 18 years ago she covered Erich and me with all of the above, and more.

When you are 25 years old, single, and getting ready to live with one of your friends for a year of what is sure to be loads of fun and shenanigans…deciding to give that up to voluntarily live with your sister and her sick husband does seem like kind of a big sacrifice. Kinda.

The day Leah told us she was going to live with us, she was not actually asking if she could, or even if we wanted her to. In typical Leah fashion, she told us she was. “I’m moving in with you.” As I mentioned earlier, we were stunned and asked if she was sure about that, but I could tell she had made up her mind and that there was no changing it. After that announcement there was nothing more to discuss, we just got busy looking for a place to live.

“Back in the day”, there were no Google, Safari, or Yahoo search engines, it was just the good ole’ Classifieds in the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel. We drove ourselves to Alterra on the Lake (a nice coffee joint we liked to visit) and started scouring the “for rent” section. Wherever we lived, it had to be as close to the hospital as possible and it had to be cheap. The going rate for your average apartment at that time was $1250 give or take 200 bucks. Not cheap.

It didn’t take long for us to come across “the” add. A three bedroom bungalow, lower level, 2 miles from the hospital. For $750. There had to be some print mistake. We called the number and Rod answered. Yes it was still available, yes it’s $750 per month, and why don’t you come and see it right now?

As we drove to the rental we thought it had to be an absolute dump, or that Rod had a screw loose. Or both. Either way, it seemed to good to be true. We knocked on the door holding our breath, praying that this wasn’t a mistake. The guy standing before us was in his early 40’s, was short and skinny, and had bleach blond, thin, shoulder length hair. His nails had black nail polish on them, and when he spoke he sounded like a surfer dude from California. Rod also had a pug named Jewels that wore a diamond collar. I’ll give you a minute to process.

The place was beautiful and had that “Old Milwaukee” charm. It was perfect. It turns out that the rent was so cheap because he lived upstairs and the place was ours if we wanted it. We absolutely did. Rod would turn out to be the best landlord. Ever.

The next week was a whirlwind. Not only were we moving into an apartment, but Erich’s first chemo treatment was coming up. I did not want to leave him alone at all and the thought of doing so completely stressed me out. I had to pack and move my stuff from my house in Michigan to our new place in Milwaukee and my Dad could only help me that week. Enter Leah.

“Ruth, I’ll take Erich to his chemo appointment and I’ll stay with him the entire time. This is exactly the reason I wanted to live with you. Go. He’ll be fine.”

The relief I felt knowing that Leah would be there with him…words can’t express. I encouraged her to sneak a 6 pack of beer into the hospital (in honor of his first treatment) and they could commiserate while he was being juiced up. His appointment went off without a hitch (although, as it turns out, beer and chemo don’t mix) and I was able to get all of my belongings packed up.

A necessary aside: In our family, there are two well known “Three’s Company” companions. On my dad’s side, our Great-great Uncle Ernie, his wife Eleanor and her sister Hattie. They lived together for many, many years. We never thought it was odd at all, that’s just the way it was. The other “Three’s Company” came from my Mom’s side. My Grandpa and Granny and her sister Florence (Aunt Floss). While my Grandpa and Granny were dating my Aunt Floss was their shadow..she never let them go anywhere alone. My Grandpa finally had to put his foot down the night he planned on asking my Granny to marry him. I think that might have been the only time he was able to be alone with her before they got married. Erich, Leah and myself had become our own unique “Three’s Company” and it was one of the best years of our entire lives.

On the inside she might have been scared just like I was at times, but she would never show it. Leah never cried in front of us but if I had to guess, she would shed a few tears in her bedroom at night. God knew. He knew my sister was just what we needed to make the rocky road we were about to travel so much easier to navigate.

The following our just some of the many memories I have of living with my sister that year:

Dubbing ourselves “porch monkeys” because we loved to sit on the front porch and shoot the breeze in our free time.

We had a revolving door of guests every weekend; there was never a dull moment and our home was always full of laughter.

Working together as “Hostesses with the Mostest” at Maggiano’s.

The days when Erich was so sick after treatment that Leah would help me get him out of the car, up the stairs, and onto the couch.

The phone calls Leah made giving us the heads up that she was almost home so that she wouldn’t walk in on any funny business. Erich and I always got a kick out of this because we answered the phone and she’d still ask if it was safe.

That time, I mean the many times, our puppy Buca chewed Leah’s shoes/boots. Ooops.

Leah creating a special “house rule” so that we wouldn’t be caught in awkward situations…only to break her own rule and catch us in an awkward situation. Stinkin’ Buca.

Teaching Leah how to give Erich his daily shot in the thigh. She was absolutely terrified to do it, but in the end…success! Also, it was pretty funny to watch. Maybe not for Erich though.

That one time when we were talking to Erich and realized he didn’t remember driving himself home from treatments which led to….

The many times Leah would drive Erich to and from appointments when I could not.

The copious amounts of tears I shed on her shoulder after some particularly scary/tough days.

The shared joy and excitement over every positive report.

Leah bartending at Don’s Pub which ultimately led to Erich’s hilarious run-in with Patrón. Need I say more?

The beautiful documentary Leah produced on Erich’s cancer journey. If I ever find it, I’ll share it with you.

The fact that Leah got to know and love Erich’s nurses just as much as we did because she was there so often, especially while filming the documentary.

Getting caught in a torrential rain storm before running with cell phones was a thing. Erich came looking for us and saved the day.

The joy we shared in finding out that Erich was officially cancer free and in remission.

The tears we shed saying goodbye the day Erich and me moved to Minnesota. Ugh. That was so hard. Truth be told, I would have let her live with us forever. Well, maybe not forever.

There are no words to describe how deeply thankful I am to my sister for living with us that year. I will always cherish the time we had together. I love you, Leah Marie.

Your Boys are too Slow

To understand completely some of the things we went through in the beginning of our cancer journey, it’s necessary for me to become extremely vulnerable. Erich has given me his full support to write about this. So. Here it goes.

We met with Dr. James T. Casper, Head Oncologist at Children’s Hospital of Wisconsin, a few days before we were married. He wanted to sit down with us to discuss first steps and how he wanted to treat Erich. He said, “I’m not a numbers guy and I don’t like to go by statistics because anything can happen, but you’ve probably got about a 20% of beating this. Your strong, young, and for all accounts and purposes healthy. Because of this, we are going to be able to throw every known option and even some new ones at you. There is hope.”

At this point Erich’s dad asked Dr. Casper what would happen if he didn’t do the treatments at all. He had watched his sister suffer from the effects of chemotherapy and finally succumb to breast cancer. Would it be possible for this to go away on its own? No. Erich would most certainly die without chemotherapy and radiation. There was our answer, treatment it was. What next?

Dr. Casper asked us if we wanted to have children. Yes, absolutely we did. He replied, “I’ll refer you over to Froedtert Fertility Specialists. You’ll need to see them at once. We can’t start treatment until after your sperm have been harvested, and we want to start next week. We also need to schedule you to have your port inserted ASAP so that it will be easier to give you your chemos, fluids, and other medicines.”

I remember feeling like we were being waterboarded. I had the presence of mind to have a notebook with me, thank the Lord. Otherwise, I would never have been able to keep track. Honestly, we were too busy setting up appointments, running errands, and trying to find a place to live, to dwell on the diagnosis; and that was a good thing.

I am fairly certain the average 26-year-old male does not think about fertility, sperm count, or motility (speed of said sperm). Unless you have cancer. We made the appointment, and early on Monday morning we drove to the fertility clinic. Walking into the clinic felt surreal. Here we were, two young newlyweds, not even married 72 hours, and Erich had to do something so incredibly hard and absolutely humiliating. For them to harvest Erich’s sperm, he had to go to a private room filled with dirty magazines and videos. Just a week before he had to have a testicle removed and now this? A person doesn’t have to think too hard to know what happened next.

He walked out of that room completely and utterly emasculated.

The doctor told us that she would call with the results of his “donation” as soon as she could. We drove to my sister Leah’s house where she was a nanny, hoping for a distraction as we waited for the call. Boy did we get it. We sat on the front steps of the porch, contemplating life, when Leah said, “Hey guys, I think I want to live with you this year.” I was speechless, and anyone who knows me knows that’s saying something.

This would be a big sacrifice for her because she had been planning to move in with our friend Angie for the year. I knew she was really looking forward to that. Also, why in the wide, wide world of sports would she want to live with newlyweds, and oh yeah, deal with cancer and all that came with it.It was simple for her. “I love you both and want to be there for you guys in any way that I can. I know I can help. Please let me help you.” Que.the.tears. We were about to become our very own version of “Three’s Company.”

As we sat there discussing apartment hunting and other odds and ends, my flip phone rang. “Is this Ruth Westphal?”

“Yes, yes, it is”.

“We have the results of your husband’s donation. It appears we don’t have enough sperm that would be viable enough to freeze. You see, your husband’s sperm have a low motility.”

“Wait, speak in English please”.

“It means they are slow, and they are kind of dumb because of the cancer. They will not be able to hit the target without doing IFV. We need more so that the chances of fertilizing your eggs are better. Can you please come back in and make another donation?”

I thought, “you have got to be kidding me.”

As you can imagine, Erich was less than thrilled. He had to go back in and do it all again? The mere thought of it caused a visceral reaction in him, but Erich knew he needed to do it. So, we set up another appointment for Wednesday. We couldn’t go in right away because his reproductive parts needed time to produce more sperm. These are the things that folks never really have to think about and honestly probably don’t even know about, until something like cancer comes along. This time though, I went in with him to give him a hand. Yes, absolutely awkward and uncomfortable, but it was better than watching him go through the humiliation alone. Round 2 ended up being a success, which was such a relief. Now, we would be gearing up for the battle of our young lives.

We had no idea what the next year would bring, but our prayer was that Erich would be cured and that God would bless us with children in the future. Only time would tell.

Infertility problem concept. Low sperm motility. Men fertility problem. Slow tired sperm sleep. Funny Vector illustration.

I Will Give You My Love

What was supposed to be an outpatient surgery turned into an overnight stay. Erich didn’t handle the anesthesia well and he was in extreme pain. He described having a testicle removed as “feeling a lot like being kicked in the cahones by a mule”. Not that he’s had any experience with that.

He was discharged the next morning and we went to his parents house, still in shock; still trying to wrap our heads around Erich’s diagnosis. We didn’t know what type of cancer he had. The assumption was Testicular cancer because of the obvious, but we didn’t have confirmation on the biopsy. I was like a dog with a bone. With the advanced stage that he was in, I wanted him to have the best of the best and there was no time to waste. I called Lance Armstrong’s doctor who was located in Indianapolis and got him an appointment for the following week. In the meantime…what about us?

I was still a teacher at Christ Lutheran in Oakley, MI and he was supposed to go to Nebraska. We knew that he would need to resign from his teaching call there, but what about me? There were so many unknowns. Where would he be treated? How long would he be in treatment? How could we navigate our relationship and his illness from so many hours away. No matter which way we sliced it, nothing seemed palatable to us. We wanted and needed to be together. I wanted to help him kick cancer in the butt; or as difficult as it would have been for me, be there for him as he met his Saviour.

Even though Erich was still in pain, we decided to take a walk so that we could try to process what was happening and figure out what we as a couple should, or even could do. We had been planning a Summer, 2004 wedding but now that seemed so far off. I knew I could not be 8 hours from him as he was going through this. He wanted and needed me to be by his side. Could we move up the wedding date? Was that even possible on such short notice? Well, we decided we would find out. It was Tuesday afternoon, but we were going to try and get married on Saturday. Looking back, it’s absolutely crazy to me that we thought we could pull this off, but like I mentioned earlier…dog with a bone.

Erich and I were not sure how our parents would react to our thoughts on this, but we were firm in our convictions so all we could do was pray that they would understand. We called my parents first and my dad answered the phone. Conversation as follows:

“What’s up Ruthie? How’s Erich?

“He’s ok Dad, but listen, Erich and I want to get married.”

“Well, no &$#@ Sherlock.”

“No Dad, I mean we want to get married this Saturday.”

After a few seconds of stunned silence from both of my parents…”Well ok then! How can we help?”

Whew.

I remember walking up to Wally and Diane’s patio doors feeling so nervous to tell them. What if they said no? What then? Erich told his parents our idea and much to my relief Diane jumped off of the couch, hugged me tight and said, “Oh, thank you God!”

Double whew.

What happened over the next several days can only be described as simply amazing and I see God’s hand in every single thing that happened. All of the folks in our bridal party dropped any plans they had for Saturday so that they could be there, and some drove several hours. Everyone pulled together and helped in any way that they could. Diane volunteered to get our wedding cake. My mom and dad volunteered the meal (steak and swordfish). My sister went to the Milwaukee County court house with two little ones she nannied for on her hip so that she could grab my birth certificate. Our only job that week was to get our marriage license, which proved to be quite the fiasco.

Our plan was to be married by Erich’s dad in their beautiful backyard so we needed a Washington County marriage license. It was a good 30-40 minute drive from Colgate. When we arrived we explained our situation to the Head Clerk. She told us that she would have to take it up the chain and that we should come back the next day to find out whether or not we qualified for an expedited license. So we drove back home, worked on our wedding plans, and started the process of meeting with Doctors and Nurses at Children’s Hospital of Wisconsin. Because the cancer was at Stage 4 they wanted to get Erich started immediately, there was no time to waste.

The next day we drove back to the County Clerks office assuming that they would hand over the marriage license, no muss no fuss. Well, you know what they say about assuming. The gal we spoke with the day before wasn’t even there, it was her assistant. She explained that they couldn’t give us the license because I was only marrying him because he was dying….yep, you read that right. I.was.ANGRY. I told her that I was engaged to Erich before he had cancer and that we didn’t believe in living together before we were married. I explained that I lived in Michigan and didn’t want to be so far from him, that I wanted to help him beat the cancer…not watch him die. “Wait! You live in Michigan?!” the gal exclaimed. “Ahh, yes, why does that matter?” “Well, we can expedite licenses for couples where one lives somewhere else!” Yep, you read that right too. I can’t get a license if my fiancé is very sick BUT if I live in other State? Well then, step right up! How messed up is that?!

The day before our wedding, my sister planned the most beautiful bachelorette party for me at one of our favorite places, Gill’s. Leah rented the top floor of this restaurant and every single one of my aunts and girl cousins living in the area came. My heart fills up just thinking about the joy, the laughter, and the happy tears. Erich’s dad, my dad, my brothers and a few others went out as well… but I am pretty sure there were no tears.

The day of our wedding was absolutely beautiful. Not a cloud in the sky, the perfect temperature, a warm breeze, and everyone we loved there with us. It was so special. My sister took us to get our hair done; while were there her best friend Nicole popped in to surprise me with “something old, new, borrowed, and blue.” My dear friend Angie paid for and picked up the wedding flowers I had picked out. One of the more humorous moments was watching my then teenage brother try lighting tea candles with a tiny breeze. Seth was mumbling under his breath but he never stopped trying. God bless him.

For the ceremony Wally picked the Bible Passage, “I will give you my love” from Song of Solomon 7:12 (it’s also engraved on the inside of my wedding ring). He asked us to write our own vows and read them to each other. After saying our vows we sang a hymn that Wally’s mom wrote years earlier. Unbeknownst to me, the entire time we were standing in front of Wally a bee was swarming behind me. Anyone who knows me knows that I am TERRIFIED of bees. Like, freak out, jump out of a car at a stop light terrified. Yes, that happened. Somehow they were able to keep that pesky bee away from me until after the ceremony, crisis averted.

Afterwards we feasted on steak, swordfish, various sides and cake! Later on, several of us went to the Bier Stube in German Town. We took up the entire top floor and just laughed and laughed. There may be a picture of my brother Noah floating around that shows him cradling a yard of beer with mustard down the front of his shirt.

Erich and I left the Stube with our hearts full of love for the people that made our day so incredibly special. As we drove through Milwaukee to reach our hotel, fireworks were going off over Lake Michigan…it felt like they were just for us. While our future together was uncertain and scary, we were certain that together with our faith in God, his love for us, and with the help and support of our family and friends…we were going to be OK.

It’s All Fun and Games…

I remember walking into the clinic very clearly. It was 7:30AM and I had not yet had my quota of coffee for the morning, so I made a beeline for the complimentary coffee located to the right of the entrance. We … Continue reading →

This Too Shall Pass

“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life? “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” ‭‭Matthew‬ ‭6:25-34‬ ‭NIV‬‬

“This too shall pass.” My Grandma Ella used to say that all of the time. I’m fairly certain it was her mantra, and it has become a favorite saying of mine as well. It’s no surprise that this was her go to quote because my grandma went throught quite alot.  Her parents died when she was very young so she and her sister, Cincy, were sent to live with their oldest brother Jack and his wife.  For the majority of my grandma’s married life her husband was sick and difficult to live with.  When my dad was 9 years old grandpa moved out of the house and he died when my dad was fourteen. Being a single mom to 5 children was not easy, I know this because I’ve heard many stories from my dad…he and his brothers gave my grandma a run for her money.  She struggled with other things as well, but for the purposes of this writing, you get the gist.

Worry could have consumed her, but it didn’t.  Grandma Ella had such a strong faith in her Lord and Savior and I was blessed to see it for 21 years.  My grandma died of cancer in 1997.  I was the last person to speak to her before she slipped into a coma. As I knelt besider her recliner, she played with my hair and spoke words of comfort and peace to me.  She reminded me that we would see each other again, that everything would be OK…She took to heart the words Jesus spoke in Matthew 6.  

Thus, the saying “This too shall pass.”  My Grandma knew that even though she couldn’t see her future, she knew WHO held her future. We are going through an unprecedented and unpredictable time right now. It is so easy to cave into our sinful nature and worry.  I know I do.  Yesterday Ella learned that she won’t be going back to school until May 4th. Today I went to pick up her and Maggie’s books through a “drive-thru” at school.  As an 8th Grader, this impacts her life greatly.  All of the firsts and lasts she was looking forward to…Confirmation, 8th grade class trip, graduation, school dance…all put on hold, maybe even permanantly.  These rites of passage are a big deal, something to truly celebrate.

Ella handled the news really well, but she did shed a few tears yesterday,  and who can blame her?  I’d be lying if I didn’t say it makes my heart hurt too.  As a mom, I was looking forward to celebrating her accomplishments, planning her Confirmation party and class trip, and most likely crying on the last day of school.  Holding her in my arms yesterday, I was able to give her permission to grieve the loss of those events, but also comfort her with the knowledge that God is in control.   I reminded Ella that there are still many blessings in all of this.  She can still Facetime, Snap Chat, or text/ call her friends on a whim.  She still gets to connect with her teachers and classmates through distance learning.  We get more precious time with her before she heads off to Prep next year (not sure if she thinks this is a blessing or not). If this had happened 25 years ago I am pretty sure my generation wouldn’t have survived, not because of the virus, but because our parents would have killed us.   We had none of the luxuries our kids have now…they are truly blessed to have access to the outside world at a time like this.

We have nothing to worry about because God promises that he’s going to take care of and bless us always and in all ways.   Tomorrow is uncertain, God’s love for us is not. My grandma knew this and because she raised her son to know it, I am raising my girls to know it.

“This to shall pass.” And it will.

God Bless and Keep You All,

Ruth

Pulling up to the drive-thru pick up for Ella and Maggie’s school books and supplies.

Skipping stones along the Mississippi River…practicing our social distancing.

A Proverbs 31 Woman

A couple of days ago I was video chatting with my dear friend Sally, who is actually more of a big sister to me, as a matter of fact, I’ve been “unofficially” adopted into her family. We met when I taught her son Corey on the Peridot Apache Mission 20 years ago. I mentioned to her that I had picked out a devotion to read for a Women’s Tea at our church, but that I just wasn’t feeling confident in my choice. She asked me if I had prayed about it. All I could do was cover my face with my hands, just a little bit ashamed that I had not…she said, “RUTH! Ok. We will pray about this together right now.” And we did. For 5 minutes. Her words held such wisdom, such strength of faith in her LORD. It was SUCH a comfort to me and afterwards I felt so at peace.

Thinking about our conversation and the prayer she prayed on my behalf made me think of the incredible relationship we have. Not just as sisters from another mister, but as sisters in Christ.  And this extends to all of you too.  We are all sisters in Christ, and we are all mothers. Whether we are parenting our own children, whether we are aunts, or teachers or God-mothers, those who’ve lost children, or prayed for children that never came. We all have a mothers heart.  When I think of Sally, I think of the wife of noble character spoken about in Proverbs 31.

Epilogue: The Woman of Noble Character

^10 [b]A woman of noble character who can find?
She is worth far more than rubies.
¹¹ Her husband has full confidence in her
and lacks nothing of value.
¹² She brings him good, not harm,
all the days of her life.
¹³ She selects wool and flax
    and works with eager hands.
¹⁴ She is like the merchant ships,
    bringing her food from afar.
¹⁵ She gets up while it is still night;
    she provides food for her family
    and portions for her female servants.
¹⁶ She considers a field and buys it;
    out of her earnings she plants a vineyard.
¹⁷ She sets about her work vigorously;
    her arms are strong for her tasks.
¹⁸ She sees that her trading is profitable,
    and her lamp does not go out at night.
¹⁹ In her hand she holds the distaff
    and grasps the spindle with her fingers.
²⁰ She opens her arms to the poor
    and extends her hands to the needy.
²¹ When it snows, she has no fear for her household;
    for all of them are clothed in scarlet.
²² She makes coverings for her bed;
    she is clothed in fine linen and purple.
²³ Her husband is respected at the city gate,
    where he takes his seat among the elders of the land.
²⁴ She makes linen garments and sells them,
    and supplies the merchants with sashes.
²⁵ She is clothed with strength and dignity;
she can laugh at the days to come.
²⁶ She speaks with wisdom,
and faithful instruction is on her tongue.
²⁷ She watches over the affairs of her household
    and does not eat the bread of idleness.
²⁸ Her children arise and call her blessed;
    her husband also, and he praises her:
²⁹ “Many women do noble things,
    but you surpass them all.”
³⁰ Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;
but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.
³¹ Honor her for all that her hands have done,
    and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.

Reading these words made me realize how I have failed at so many of these characteristics. I have broken trust, been lazy, been a poor steward of my money…I am sure you have at one point or another, felt the sting of these failures as well. I am sure that even Sally has (even though I sometimes questions that).

But here’s the amazing thing. God forgives us for our failures as women, wives, mothers, daughters. In fact, I am quite sure that he has forgiven us faster then we forgive ourselves at times. We tend to be pretty hard on ourselves when we make mistakes or don’t think we are cutting the mustard.

But here God uses Proverbs 31 to help us navigate this beautiful, crazy, sinful, hard world. It’s like an instruction manual for “How to be a Godly Woman”.   We may carry all, some, or none of these characteristics, but we are each blessed with our own strengths and gifts. When we doubt our worth, when we question who we are and why God even put us on this earth….we need only lean in to the words of Proverbs 31 to remind us that we do in fact have a glorious purpose here.

God chose you for his own and his purpose for you is uniquely special. It’s a wonder really. To think of the love he has for each and every one of us…and he so very much wants us to know him. When we dig into his Word, we get to know him. We grow to love him more and more and that love can’t help but be reflected in all that we do…

We as sisters in Christ have the awesome opportunity to encourage each other to be a Proverbs 31 woman. We can pray with and for each other. Support each other. Love each other.   And whatever we do, whether in word or deed, let us do it all to the glory of God.

I pray that God will continue to strengthen our faiths, our relationship with him, and with each other. May he help us to use our gifts to the best of our abilities.

 

My sister Sal and I at the Salt River Canyon in February

True Love

Dear Ella and Maggie,

Now you know the story of how your Dad and I met and started dating.  It was certainly a roller coaster of a ride trying to get to that place… It was indicative of our future together that our beginning, well, began as it did.

I knew I loved your Dad, and I was pretty sure I wanted to marry him. We talked about it almost from the beginning.  I think the fact that we were friends first made things move pretty fast once we started dating.  I had my doubts though.  Being a total romantic I had these notions that I should be swooning at the very thought of him.   I wasn’t, so I thought maybe I wasn’t “in love’ with him.  I remember telling my dad that. It was such a pivotal conversation that I also remember where I was when I had that conversation with him.  I called your Boppa while my kids (students) were outside playing at recess.  I was leaning up against the fence having a cup of coffee.  I always had coffee in my hands.  It was the unspoken rule that Miss Herrmann had a cup of joe in her hands until lunch.  Even if I wasn’t drinking it.

It’s been a little over 14 years since we had this conversation, but I can still remember the gist of it….”Ruth, being in love with someone doesn’t necessarily mean you’re going to have butterflies in your stomach every time you talk. Love isn’t just a feeling. Love is work.  Being in love with someone means choosing to love them even when you don’t. Because there are going to be days when you don’t love Erich, maybe you won’t even like him very much.  Love is choosing to stay with someone even when it gets really hard. And it will be hard sometimes.  The faith that you two have in God will be the THE most important thing. You will need to lean on HIM when you aren’t loving each other… ”

Huh.  Could I choose to love Erich even when I didn’t? And through the hard? The short answer is yes.  I had dated several guys before your dad and as I remember it, there is no way I could have loved them even when I didn’t.  As a matter of fact, deep down I knew long before my relationships ended with them, that they were not who God had planned for me.  I only stubbornly stuck it out because I didn’t want my parents to be right.  Don’t do what I did.

With your dad it was different.  I wanted to be with him. All of the time.  Even when he annoyed me.  I mean, he once ate spinach out of my teeth.  No joke.  If I could stay with him after that, I knew I loved him.

So that was it.  I knew I loved your Dad and that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him.   Now I just had to wait patiently for him to ask me to marry him.  Based on the crazy start to our relationship, it will not surprise you that I had to wait rather impatiently.

A Misunderstanding

Your Dad and I have been on quite the roller coaster ride for the past 14 years.  Never a dull moment, and that includes the months leading up to when we actually started dating. You’ll remember that I was regretting my decision to throw down the “let’s just be friends” rule?  Well, I still did, but it was the beginning of a new school year (September of 2002) and I was busy.  Your dad was busy too. He was in his last year at the Seminary in Mequon which meant a Thesis along with his other studies, and a part time job in the library on campus.  It’s funny to say it, but way “back then” in 2002, our main form of communication was email.  We spoke once a week on our land lines…yep, still had one of those, and occasionally splurged and called on our now antiquated cell phones (there were no touch screens, there were no cameras, and *gasp* there was no texting).  Good old-fashioned communication.  I sent him the occasional care package, much to the amusement of his buddies…he didn’t hear the end of it.

At first all was well, but a couple of months in to the school year a well-meaning friend of ours decided to play match maker and set me up with a guy I had gone to college with. I was not interested. Not even a little.  I wanted to date your dad.  Even though I had politely declined, about a week later I found myself on a date with Tom.  I thought, “Why not, I’ll be clear about my intentions about this “date” and that I really WAS fine “just being friends”.   I knew that would be challenging when he showed up at my door with a single rose. Oh crap.  Might take a bit more convincing.  Ok, I can do this.  We went to a movie (can’t even remember which one) and then to dinner at an Italian restaurant.  I remember not being very hungry.  On the way home we stopped at one of my favorite little hole in the wall bars near my home.  I can remember clearly telling him that I would be happy to get together with him as friends…with other friends. He took me home, I said good night and thanks for a fun evening.

Crisis averted. 

Nope.

A couple of days later he called me.  He called me a lot over the next few weeks and I knew the only way for him to realize I wasn’t interested was to ignore the calls.  I thought I had made my point and that all was well, after all, he stopped calling.

Then the weird started to happen.  I began to realize that your Dad was communicating with me less and less.  No emails, no once a week phone call. What in the world?  I finally emailed him to see if he wanted to meet me at what would be your Uncle Seth and Noah’s final play-off game for the season.  He said no, he was too busy.  I was going to be in Wisconsin, not two hours from him and he was too busy. What in the world?!

At this point I was more then annoyed but it only got worse.  My friend Karen and I decided to grab dinner and a beer and then head to an MLS basketball game.  When we arrived an acquaintance of mine saw me, grabbed me by the arm and rather enthusiastically exlaimed, “RUTH, I am SO happy for you!!!!” My rather confused reply, “Um, thanks Patricia…but why?”  “Well, you and Tom of course, it sounds like you two are pretty serious!!!” HUH? WAIT! WHAT? “Oh, noooo, nope, noooooo…we went on ONE date and I haven’t seen or spoken to him since!”  Cue awkward silence.  The rest of the evening was a blur, most likely because I spent it racking my brains trying to figure out what just happened.

Now I am curious.  Does your Dad think I am dating Tom? Why does Patricia think we are seriously dating?  I tried communicating with your Dad but it was hard, because of course, we were busy.  I finally threw out a Hail Mary and thought, “if he doesn’t bite on this one, I am done trying. I’ll move on.”  I invited him to have dinner with my family one night over Thanksgiving weekend.  He actually responded back that he would like that and it was set.

Traditionally, a big group of us from MLC would get together the first night home for Thanksgiving. We always met in downtown Milwaukee.  That night I drove with your Auntie Leah and our friends Ang and Becky.  I had barely walked through the door of the place we were gathering when one of the gals meeting us, upon seeing me, grabbed me by the arms and exclaimed, “Oh my goodness RUTH I am SO SO happy for you and Tom, it sounds pretty serious!” WHAT IN THE WORLD?!  I was absolutely fit to be tied at this point and with great exasperation and maybe louder then I should have, said, “What in the world is going on?! I went one ONE DATE over a month ago! We are NOT dating, we haven’t spoken in a few weeks?!?!?”  Cue awkward silence. Again. Sigh.

That night I went over and over in my head what could have possibly happened.  I just could not figure it out, none of my friends could. But I knew.  I knew then that your Dad thought I was dating Tom, and that he thought we were practically engaged.  I mean, why wouldn’t he? Every one else did!

The next day Erich met me in Sheboygan for dinner.  We drove to the restaurant separately from my parents with the plan to go out afterwards on our own.  We had a really nice dinner with my parents and siblings but I was biding my time. I couldn’t wait for the opportunity to ask him if he thought that Tom and I were dating.

We went to one of my favorite places, Sandy’s.  When I was a little girl your Boppa would take Auntie Leah and me there for kiddy cocktails and carrots while we waited for your Mammy to get done waitressing at the Hoffbrau House nearby.  At the time Sandy was still holding down the fort. She passed away from cancer a few years later. I loved going there, for the memories mostly, but that night it was probably for the comfort of familiarity.  Knowing what I was about to talk to your Dad about, I am sure that’s why I chose Sandy’s.

Sure enough, Sandy was behind the bar.  Let the grilling commence.  We ordered a pitcher of Leinie’s Big Butt. I remember because we got the last of it, and it was good.  I didn’t let the grass grow under my feet. He might as well have been tied up in a dark garage with a spot light on him.  I could tell he knew something was coming too.

“SO, Erich…do you think I am dating Tom?”

“Well, yeah, I do.”

“Huh. Why do you think I am dating him?  Because I’m not”

“Well, because Tom is telling everyone you are serious. Wait. You’re not?”

“Noooo, we went on one date. That’s it. He wanted more then that but I said no. Wait. Tom is actually telling everyone that we are serious?!?”

“Well, yeah.  That’s what I heard from my Mike (whose dad is the one by the way, that tried to set Tom and I up in the first place)…and Tom also told Mike (a different Mike) that you were dating.”

“Really.  Well, we’re not dating.”

“Oh. Ok.”

Not how I envisioned this conversation going…”Oh. Ok.” That’s where it ended. Not, “Really, you aren’t dating? That’s great! I mean, well, not great, but what I mean to say is, I’ve been wanting to tell you that my feelings have changed and I was wondering if maybe yours have too?”

Sigh.

We went back to my parents house,  after what I am guessing was decent conversation. After all, we had catching up to do. I can’t remember what we even talked about, most likely because all I could do was think about why he wasn’t telling me how he really felt. Maybe he didn’t have feelings for me after all? I was holding out hope that he would still say something once we got back to my parents house.  It was not to be.  We walked into the kitchen to the sound of laughter in the living room.  My family was watching Ferris Bueller’s Day Off.  As soon as your Dad heard that he was gone.  Like, I was literally left standing in the kitchen alone.  Ditched for Ferris.  LOL! Oh man, I am just now finding the irony in that!

I went to bed annoyed.  I woke up annoyed.  We went to church together and of course all the old ladies were frittering about “who that young man with Ruth could be”…as a matter of fact, my kindergarten teacher Mrs. Falck actually walked up to us and said, “Well hello Ruth, it’s good to see you. Now, who is this young man, is he your boyfriend?” HAH!  “NO, he is most definitely NOT my boyfriend”…I may or may not have been emphatic about that.  Mrs. Falck caught it…pretty sure your dad did too.

After church it was time for us to go our separate ways, me to Michigan and your dad to Mequon.  As we said our good-byes, my sister was actually standing there with us.  He hugged me and then he turned to Leah and hugged her too. And then he left.  As he drove away I remember your Aunt being so miffed. “I can’t believe he hugged me the same way that he hugged you!!! I should go after him and give him a piece of my mind!”  She didn’t, but I secretly wanted her too.

The entire drive home…almost 8 hours…was in silence. I know that might not seem strange to you now because I am always the one saying “turn down the radio” while your dad is the one turning it up…but I was always listening to music in the car. I loved it.  But I was angry that nothing happened, and I stewed in it.  To top it off, a conversation with a really good friend on the way home soured the trip even more.  She said, “Well, if you hadn’t pushed him away when he was here, maybe this wouldn’t have happened.”  The thing is, while he lived near me, I really didn’t think I was interested…I didn’t know what I wanted then.

I did now.

I really don’t remember much about the first day back to school after Thanksgiving break, so it must have gone smoothly.  But I do remember everything that happened afterwards.  I walked down the hall to Pastor Ehler’s office and knocked on the door. He was still there and welcomed me in.

“How was your Thanksgiving Break Ruth?”

“Oh, it was really nice. I got together with a few friends, you might remember Erich from last year? ”

“Erich? Oh yes, he vicared for Pastor Thomford last year! Sure, well that was nice!  So ahhh, are you guys dating?”

“No. No, we are not.”

“Hmmm…do you want to be?”

“What? Well, um, I guess maybe, yes.”

“Well, what’s the problem?”

I gave Pastor Ehler’s the 30 second commercial on the whole “everyone thought I was dating Tom” debacle.

“So then, he didn’t tell you whether he was interested or not?”

“Nope, he didn’t.”

“Why don’t you tell him how you feel?”

“ME? No, I can’t do that! I am old-fashioned. He’s supposed to come to ME!”

“Ruth, things aren’t the way they used to be.”

“Well, they should be.”

“Ruth, what is the harm in telling him how you feel?  What’s the worst thing that could happen? So he might tell you he isn’t interested in that way.  He seems like the type of guy who would still be your friend. But what if he says he is?”

“I see your point. But I still think HE should have come to me first.”

“Go home Ruth. Right now. Call him. You’ll feel better. Let me know what happens tomorrow, because I’ll be asking you.”

No. Pressure.

So many conversations leading to so many misunderstandings brought me here. And now this conversation, with my Pastor of all people, was leading me to have the most life changing conversation I would ever have.  It amazes me how God works like that.

The whole 2.5 miles home I was gathering up courage to call him.  What would I even say to him?  What if he said no. What if, by breaking my own rules, I broke our friendship?

I called him.  He wasn’t answering. Do I leave a message? What do I say on the message?

“Hey Erich, it’s Ruth. Call me.”

That was it. 6 words. For me that’s some kind of record.

Your dad called me back within the hour.  I was so nervous.

“Hey, Erich…thanks for calling me back”

“Yeah, no problem, what’s up?”

I actually started rambling about stuff we had already talked about when we were together over Thanksgiving.  I can’t even remember what exactly, but finally your dad said, “Ruth, you told me this stuff already when we saw eachother.”

“Oh. Yeah, I guess we did.  Well, here’s the thing. I need you to be quiet (this is funny since he had been quiet as I rambled on and on about things he already knew…on top of the fact that your dad was already a quiet guy).”

“Ok.”

“So Erich, I have been wondering if you’ve ever been interested in me as more then a friend?”

“Yes.”

“Oh! Ok…so like, in the past 6 months.?

“Yes.”

“6 weeks?”

“Yes.”

“Last couple of days?”

“Yes.”

“Today?”

“Yes.”

“Oh.”

Silence……then I start up again.

“So what do we do now? Do we start dating?”

“Yes, I’d like that.”

And the rest as they say, is history.  Except that I won’t stop there.  I’ve got stories to tell…our stories…your stories. HIStories.

Love you both so much…to the moon and back, to infinity and beyond…and don’t you forget it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Summertime

After that first meet up for beer and a movie, I found myself slipping into an easy friendship with your dad.  That summer we spent alot of time around the firepit, catching dinner or a movie, and going for runs at our friends Kathy and Jim’s home (a veritable nature preserve filled with trails).  Afterwards we’d jump into their nephew’s pool (which happened to be next door).

I think I felt a shift in how I felt about your dad about half way through the summer.  It was right about the time Mammy and Boppa came to visit.  Maybe it was because I was seeing Erich through my parent’s eyes.  I could tell they really liked him. They hadn’t liked ANY of my previous boyfriends so this was progress…and your dad wasn’t even my boyfriend (yet).  Your dad had come over to my house for a cookout and bonfire I was having with friends and family.  There was a ton of left over food so I packed up a couple of containers for him to take home.  He stayed late into the night visiting with us so when he left he forgot them.  This is important to note.

The next day my parents and I went to go see “The Road to Perdition”.  I got a speeding ticket.  I hope I am never in the car with you when you get a speeding ticket. I’ll just leave that thought right here.   My neighbor, Howard, had given us money for steaks to cook out on the grill, so after the movie we picked them up.  Earlier that morning, I had called your dad and left a message telling him to come and pick up his left overs.   I still think he planned it this way, but he didn’t end up stopping by until around 5PM.  My dad and I were in the backyard getting the grill ready when Erich came out the back door of the house with a beer in his hand.  I was puzzled.  I knew he was coming to get his food, but why the beer in his hand?  I mean, how long does it take to pick up leftovers?  “Your mom invited me to stay for dinner, I hope that’s Ok?”  I remember exactly what I was thinking then. “Well played Mom, well played.”

The day before, I had told my parents that Erich and I were “just friends” but that I was starting to think maybe I was feeling something more. I really didn’t know if I wanted to change anything. Truly. I was happy being his friend.   Your Mammy had other ideas.

That summer went fast and before I knew it Erich was heading back to Mequon to finish his last year at the Seminary.  I was bummed.  We had spent the whole year avoiding each other because everyone wanted us to be together, then we finally decide that we can be friends only to have to say goodbye a few short months later.  By then I knew I cared about your dad a lot. And I was kicking myself for the “let’s just be friends” rule I’d thrown down in May.

 

 

The Vicar

When I first met your dad, I was actually dating someone else. He was the Vicar at a nearby church and me and my then boyfriend decided to attend that church one Sunday morning. I remember exactly what my first impressions were that day. “Man, he is so uncomfortable in the pulpit, he’s a nervous wreck…oh, I can’t watch this.” Later, when he was greeting us on the way out I thought, “No way could I ever date this guy.  He’s way to skinny, and I don’t date guys skinnier then me…he’s too tall…too blond…” Nope, I was NOT interested. Upon further reflection years later, it begs the question WHY did I care? I was dating someone else!

Soon after that my relationship with my current boyfriend crashed and burned. I knew deep down that it wasn’t going to work but I was being incredibly stubborn about it because others in my circle of family and friends were telling me he wasn’t the one and I wanted to prove them wrong. Ironically, I had dinner with said EX-boyfriends mom the day after we broke up. That might sound strange to you but we were close and knew that it would be the last time we would spend time together…a last supper if you will.   At one point in the conversation she said, “You know, Erich Westphal is available and such a nice young man, you should go out with him!” Say what?!?! Your son and I just broke up and you are trying to hook me up with the Vicar? I don’t think so.

For the better part of the next year my friends Jenny and Karen kept trying to set Erich and me up. At gatherings they would sneakily seat us next to each other. His name would come up casually in conversation but I just kept telling them I had no interest in dating Erich and NO I am NEVER going to marry a pastor! It’s too predictable. “Lutheran School teacher meats Lutheran Pastor”, they date for a year, get married and have 6 kids. Nope, not me (I wanted 4 kids).

Finally, in May of 2002, Erich came to our school to do a presentation on his time as a Missionary’s kid in Africa. I loved Africa. I loved mission work. As a matter of fact, I wanted to do a stint in the Peace Corp as a teacher in Africa but it never panned out. He had my attention but again only because we shared a common interest. During his presentation I was having an internal war with myself. “Ruth, just ask him to hang out, this doesn’t have to be an issue. Just tell him you want to be friends. Lay the ground rules. Don’t give him the wrong impression.”   I hesitated long enough for him to be walking toward his car. I called out for him to wait a second. He looked at me with a little bit of surpise and said, “sure.”

Conversation as follows:

Me: Listen Erich, I want to hang out, but just as friends. You and I both know that everyone is trying to set us up and I am not interested in that.

Erich: I know, and I feel the same way. Just friends.

Me: Really? Great! So how about we get together on Friday, split a 6 pack and rent a movie?

Erich: Sounds good to me.

Wow that was easy…and that’s just what we did. The following Friday we split a 6 pack and rented a movie. As friends.

You might think that my reasons for not wanting to date Erich seemed pretty superficial, and you’d be mostly right.  I had it in my head the type of guy I wanted to marry and Erich didn’t fit the bill.

Not much later, to my surprise, God would show me what I needed.

Both of these pictures were taken the summer we became “friends”.